


icarus

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, also hq!! s3 ayyyy can i get a hell yeah, also its a songfic and yes I KNOW I KNOW ITS 2k16 and songfics are so out of style but!!!, and no one dies!!, and y'all know im shit at angst but hopefully this isnt so bad??, and yes while it is angsty its GOOD angst, angsty angst, i couldnt resist, i havent written in so long omfg, im rusty, im sorry for this, is just kinda poured out of me, it has a happy ending and everything!!, so that's good, these songs fit perfectly, very good, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was meant to be a legend. He was meant for so much more than what he got. But he flew too close to the goddamn sun and now he’s left with nothing but a messed-up knee and a tear-stained face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. daedalus (i)

**Author's Note:**

> this was written in honor of hq!! s3, like could i get a hell yeah for s3?  
> ughh i havent written anything in ages and i’m super rusty but i was like “you know what girl get off your lazy ass and do something!”  
> so i did.  
> i wrote this. enjoy.

IWAIZUMI’S POV

“ _ He says, ‘Oh, baby girl, you know we're gonna be legends _

_ I'm the king and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven _

_ If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes _

_ I know you wanna go to heaven but you're human tonight. _ ”

“Young Gods” - Halsey

\--

He was meant to be a legend. He was meant for so much more than what he got. But he flew too close to the goddamn sun and now he’s left with nothing but a messed-up knee and a tear-stained face. 

Iwaizumi hates it. He hates it so much, possibly more than Oikawa does, because he  _ truly deserved  _ to be the legend he never became,  _ goddammit _ . He deserved to stand on the National stage, to accept the trophy, he deserved to win, and he deserved so much more than what he got, and it will never stop hurting Iwaizumi’s heart. 

\--

It had faded long ago. Iwaizumi knows it had. The pain had left Oikawa long ago, left him with nothing but a barely passable knee and a heart that refuses to stop hurting. He eats and sleeps and cries, he had stopped caring about his major for a long time, too long. He eats the food Iwaizumi sets in front of him, takes his anti-depressants (Iwaizumi keeps these locked away along with the rest of the medicine because, even though he hates to admit it, he’s afraid Oikawa’s going to one day find them and take one too many pills), and stays home for the rest of the day; he takes his classes online now and, needless to say, he’s failing them because he  _ just doesn’t care anymore _ . 

Iwaizumi doesn’t blame him. 

\--

ONE YEAR LATER 

“ _ Standing on the cliff face _

_ Highest fall you'll ever grace _

_ It scares me half to death _ .”

“Icarus” - Bastille 

They’re in their second year of college now, and they have had three “almosts”. Three almost deaths. 

Iwaizumi’s stopped them every single time, and Oikawa is half thankful, because his best friend  _ just saved his fucking life _ , but he half hates it because he justs want to die and he hates it and he hates it and he hates it and he. Just. Wants. To. Die. 

But Iwaizumi makes sure that Oikawa knows that he is not going to die today and that he is going to eat the rice that’s put in front of him, and then he’s going to study, and then they’re going to outside and take a nice walk,  _ got it _ ? 

Oikawa gets it. 

For how long, Iwaizumi isn’t sure. 

He doesn’t know whether he wants to find out. 

  
  


“Iwaizumi?” Oikawa whispers at one a.m. He doesn’t call him “Iwa-chan” anymore, and Iwaizumi wishes so bad that he would. “Yeah?” He murmurs, keeping his voice low and setting down his pencil. Oikawa’s wrapped in a blanket, and his hair is messy and his eyes are red ( _ they’re always red now _ ) and puffy and Iwaizumi loves him so much. 

“I can’t sleep.”  _ You never can anymore _ . Iwaizumi thinks.  _ And neither can I _ . 

Back then, back before everything came crashing down, Iwaizumi would’ve responded with a smart remark, like “What do you want me to do about it, Trashykawa?”, but now, he responds with caring words and nice things. He always treading on thin, so very thin, ice nowadays. 

He hates it. But then again, he hates a lot of things. 

“Do you want me to be there with you?” Iwaizumi asks gently, closing his textbook and walking over to Oikawa, who’s standing in the hallway, shivering and looking very small. 

(he always looks small now.)

(he abandoned his “Great King” façade so very long ago.) 

(Iwaizumi wishes he didn’t.)

(but he wishes a lot of things didn’t happen.) 

(but they did.) 

(Iwaizumi and Oikawa had found out forever ago that they never get a say in any of it.) 

“Yes please.” Oikawa whispers. 

Iwaizumi turns off the lights and walks into their bedroom, tucking Oikawa in and climbing in beside him. 

_ I love you _ . 

_ I love you so much and I could kiss you right here, right now _ .

_ \-- _

“ _ Icarus is flying too close to the sun _

_ And Icarus's life, it has only just begun _

_ This is how it feels to take a fall _

_ Icarus is flying towards an early grave _ .” 

“Icarus” - Bastille

Oikawa’s crying again. He’s sobbing silently in their room; Iwaizumi knows that the bedsheets will be wet tonight. He doesn’t care. He’ll sleep on nails if it would help Oikawa. He’d go to the moon and back. He find a fucking alien just to see his smile or hear his laugh again. 

Iwaizumi would do anything for Oikawa. 

Oikawa’s quiet sobs shakes  Iwaizumi’s mind and destroys his heart and he just wants Oikawa to be better again and he just wishes, wishes, wishes, for so many things. 

He wishes Oikawa’s knee was in perfect condition.

He wishes Oikawa will be able to play volleyball again. 

He wishes Oikawa would be happy again. 

He wishes that Oikawa would smile or laugh again. 

He wishes they had won Nationals. 

He wishes he had the courage to kiss Oikawa. 

None of them will come true. 

Except maybe one. The one Iwaizumi was in control of. The one he could make come true. 

_ That _ one, Iwaizumi promises, will come true. 

He’ll make sure of it. 

\--

“ _ I will love you 'til the end of time _

_ I would wait a million years _

_ Promise you'll remember that you're mine _

_ Baby can you see through the tears _ ?” 

“Requiem for Blue Jeans” - Bastille 

They’re lying on the couch. Oikawa is exhausted from their short walk around their neighborhood (everything exhausts him these days), and they’re watching shitty alien documentaries. They’re some of Oikawa’s old favorites; he used to watch them all the time back when he still cared. Iwaizumi put them on in the hopes of making Oikawa feel better, and while the attempt is futile, Iwaizumi still finds himself hoping. 

He’s shivering, so and Iwaizumi knows Oikawa is going to cry again, so he gently wraps his arm around him (“bara-chan!” Oikawa would’ve said) and pulls him a little closer to his chest. Oikawa is quivering even more violently now, and he’s holding onto Iwaizumi; his tears wetting his shirt, and Iwaizumi is so, so, so in love with this crying boy. Sobs shake the room, and even though they’re silent, it’s louder than the TV, louder then the sound of Iwaizumi’s thumping heart, louder, louder, louder. They shake Iwaizumi’s soul and he feels tears of his own falling, and he’s grabbing Oikawa’s face, his sobbing face, and he says through the tears and over the TV and over the sound of his heart and Oikawa’s heart, “You deserved so much more.” 

Oikawa’s crying louder, and Iwaizumi feels his pain; he’s always feeling Oikawa’s pain but if it made it easier for him, Iwaizumi would bear with it for the rest of this goddamn life. 

“You deserve so much more than you got! You deserve to be the best! You deserve to shine the brightest and I am so, so, sorry that you couldn’t! I’m so, so, sorry.” 

“I don’t deserve you!” Oikawa blurts out. 

“A LOT OF DUMB SHIT HAS COME OUT OF  YOUR MOUTH, BUT THAT IS,  BY FAR, THE DUMBEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD.” Iwaizumi yells back, reflexively. 

Oikawa’s eyes widen, and Iwaizumi takes a deep breath before saying, “You don’t deserve a lot of things, Tooru. You don’t deserve what has happened to you. You don’t deserve all of the pain it has caused you. But the one thing, the one you truly deserve, is someone that will take care of you, someone that loves you more than anything in the world, someone who will kiss you and take you into their arms and whisper to them that everything will be okay even though they both know that everything very blatantly isn’t.” 

He takes a deep breath, and then another. 

“ _ And I swear to God, I will be that someone _ .” 

There is a beat of silence. 

“I love you, Tooru.” 

  
  
  



	2. icarus (ii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter ^^

OIKAWA’S POV

“ _ Yeah, the truth is that I'm sorry _

_ Though I told you not to worry _

_ I'm just some dumb kid _

_ Trying to kid myself _

_ That I got my shit together _ .” 

“Lost Boy” - Troye Sivan

 

Oikawa is done. He’s been done for years. His grades are shit, his life is shit, he constantly feels like shit, everything, everything, everything, is just. Such. Shit. 

And  _ God _ , does he hate it with every fiber of his being, with every piece of his soul, with every bit of his heart that he threatens to make stop beating. 

Iwaizumi helps, he always does. He gets food on the table everyday without fail, he pays the rent because Oikawa can’t make himself work, and he does the laundry and cleans the house and Oikawa is ridiculously grateful. Iwaizumi is Oikawa’s savior, and he loves him with every fiber of his being, with every piece of his soul, with every bit of his heart that he threatens to make stop beating. 

If only he could tell him that. 

But Oikawa doesn’t want to tell him that, not when he’s constantly knocking on Death’s door. He doesn’t want to tell his best friend that he loves him, then die. 

He’s done a lot of stupid shit, -  _ like fucking up my damned knee _ , he thinks bitterly - but that goes against everything Oikawa stands for. 

It would be better to cut off contact before he ends up hurting his best friend even more than he already has, but Oikawa’s always been a pathetic person, and he  _ knows  _ he won’t make it if he cuts off all contact.  _ I’m a selfish person _ , he tells himself.  _ I can’t even save my best friend from hurting for me because I’m hurting too much _ .  _ He’s saved me so many times and yet,  _ and yet _ , I can’t even save him once _ .”  

 

“ _ I’m terrible. _ ” 

\--

“ _ I'm bad luck baby, you know _

_ Follows me around everywhere I go _

_ And I don't need your sympathy, no _

_ I need a fuckin' miracle, oh _ .” 

“Afterlife” - XYLØ

 

“Oikawa?” 

“Yeah?” Oikawa’s voice sounds dead. He know’s Iwaizumi doesn’t like it when it sounds this way, but Oikawa doesn’t know how to make it sound alive anymore. It’s been too long. 

“Have you eaten yet?” Iwaizumi’s voice crackles through the receiver. 

“No.”

“...Are you okay? Are you feeling okay?” Iwaizumi asks after a bit. 

“It would take a miracle for me to feel okay, Hajime.” 

There’s a pause, and Oikawa feels like crying, but he always feels like crying, so really, it wouldn’t make a difference. Nothing does anymore. 

“Try to go outside for a bit, okay? I’ll be home soon. Don’t do anything to exhausting, yeah?” 

“Okay.” 

“There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry. Just heat it up.”

_ You know I’m never hungry, Hajime _ . “Okay.” 

“Alright. Take care of yourself, Tooru. Bye.” He hangs up. 

Oikawa knows he’s worried that when he comes home, Oikawa would be dead, which is why he is always checking in. Oikawa hates that he’s putting his best friend through this, and he hates himself for letting it keep going on. 

He hates himself so much. 

\--

“ _ On this road I'm crawlin' _

_ Save me 'cause I'm fallin' _

_ Now I can't seem to breathe right _

_ 'Cause I keep runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin' _

_ Runnin' runnin' runnin' runnin' _

_ Runnin' from my heart _ .” 

“Runnin’” - Adam Lambert 

 

The clock reads 1:55 am, and Oikawa’s still awake. He had gotten Iwaizumi to stay with him earlier, and it help him breathe a bit easier, but now it’s getting harder, and he just can’t seem to fall asleep, despite that fact that his best friend is right next to him, breathing in and out. 

He falls asleep eventually, when the clock reads 2:30 am. In his dreams, he’s running, sprinting, despite the fact that his banged-up knee would never allow that. But his knee is fine in this dream, and Oikawa is running from his family, from his friends, from volleyball, from every single thing he loves, to a dark corner where his monsters and demons live. They prey on his soul, and he’s growing weaker and weaker and he’s knee is now fucked up and he can’t breathe. They’re taking him up, up, up, and he’s so close to the sky and the sun and he thinks that he’s free, but then his wings melt and he spirals into the sea, he’s falling so high from glory; he’s drowning in pain and sadness. Then a knight, a knight in shining armor, saves him, releases him from his fears and he stands up, he stands up and runs, away from all of his monsters and his demons and he’s just running, running, running. He’s sprinting and tears are flying from his eyes, and he’s free, so free. 

\--

“ _ And I feel life for the very first time _

_ Love in my arms and the sun in my eyes _

_ I feel safe in the 5am light _

_ You carry my fears as the heavens set fire _ .” 

“Technicolor Beat” - Oh Wonder 

 

They had taken a walk around the neighborhood and were now on the couch, watching one of Oikawa’s favorite alien documentaries. He can’t concentrate on it, he’s just thinking about how he doesn’t deserve Iwaizumi, how he loves him so much, so, so much. He doesn’t deserve Iwaizumi’s time, his effort, his kind, caring words. He doesn’t deserve any of it. Oikawa can’t even remember the last time he had thanked Iwaizumi for making dinner, or for paying the rent for both of them, or for staying with him through the years. 

He’s going to cry. 

Iwaizumi must sense this, because he puts his arm around Oikawa’s frail shoulders and pulls him closer. 

He’s going to cry so hard. 

Iwaizumi’s telling him how he deserved so much more, and Oikawa’s bawling, and he’s yelling about how he doesn’t deserve him, and Iwaizumi’s angry now, he’s yelling about how Oikawa is a dumb shit (which Oikawa pathetically agrees with), and then he’s saying, “I love you, Tooru.” 

Oikawa’s heart stops on its accord. 

Oikawa can’t believe it. Iwaizumi had chosen the wrong person to fall in love with. He’s about to tell Iwaizumi this, but then he looks into his eyes and realizes that Iwaizumi isn’t going to back down and that Iwaizumi knows perfectly well that he’s falling in love with someone who truly believes they are a monster.

Oikawa wipes away his tears, and, with a shaky smile, says, “I love you with every fiber of my being, Hajime, with every piece of my soul, with every bit of my heart that I threaten to make stop beating.” 

“You’re not going to threaten it again, you hear me? Not when I’m here.” Iwaizumi says with a stern voice. But he’s smiling, and Oikawa’s smiling, and he remembers what happiness feels like, and he never wants to lose it again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i hope you guys enjoyed, hopefully it wasn't that shitty lmao
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](http://akaashhis.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> i know what you’re thinking. ‘songfics? wth bettina. get with the times.’ but in my defense, these songs remind of angsty iwaoi so much?? listen to these songs and you’ll see why i felt the urge to write angsty iwaoi like the line “I will love you 'til the end of time. I would wait a million years, promise you'll remember that you're mine. Baby can you see through the tears?” ohmygod??? OHMYGOD??? SUCH IWAOI AMIRIGHT  
> i hope you liked it! 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [the "and i swear to god i will be that someone" part is actually based off a poem i wrote](http://akaashhis.tumblr.com/post/143450035810/i-dont-deserve-you-you-say-through-tears-you)  
> [my tumblr"](http://akaashhis.tumblr.com)


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